Movie Review: Fifty Shades Freed (2018)


Summary: Anastasia and Christian get married, but Jack Hyde continues to threaten their relationship.
I mean does anyone care anymore? I mean literally. Seriously, if you like these movies and think they’re good, please please tell me why. I just want to hear your thoughts. I don’t want to argue lol.
The Costumes. Shay Cunliffe does the costumes in this movie and I hate to it say it but all of Ana’s clothes were beautiful. I found myself completely ignoring her words but falling in love with her clothes. Man, the choices, the designs, and her wedding dress, was really beautiful.
The Music. Again, I like the music. I can’t tell you though whatever song Rita Ora and Liam Payne did together, if I heard it, it’s definitely forgettable. I definitely know Eli Golding’s song though lol, which is my jam!
Looks Good. John Swartzman is in charge of the cinematography again and it looks good.
The Acting. So unlike the last one, in this one, I think Dakota Johnson does fine here. She’s a good actress so it’s unfortunate really (same thing happened with Kristen Stewart who I think is a good actress too) but I think there are times where she really tries to put something smart into her character. It doesn’t work but I think it’s easy to tell she tries. I still love the part from the trailer, where she lets that blonde lady have it lol. Cracks me up.
The Characters are Stupid. They are. They are so stupid. First of all, when Ana finds out she’s pregnant (it’s in the trailer), she’s already freaking out because she JUST found out, they’re married mind you, she just found out that Christian doesn’t want kids. Um, I think that should be something you learn BEFORE you marry the guy. But anyway, that’s dumb. Then of course Christian acts like a dick about it. Like a really big one. THEN, Ana goes hiking with some people, and she asks Elliot and Mia (Christian’s siblings) what he was like as a child… again, you married this man and you don’t know what he was like as a child? Something you should have known. So, then this terrible guy shows up again and he threatens someone and wants Ana to do something for him, but he told her she couldn’t tell anyone… I don’t see why she couldn’t. Sure sure, she was scared, but he didn’t have a way to know if she would have run into her bodyguard on the way out and told him. PLUS you are a bodyguard, shouldn’t you check their house every time she goes inside since someone attacked her once before? I mean, that’s your job. OH OH, how about when Ana says to Christian “you own that?” when she sees his airplane… bruh, you’ve seen all the stuff that he’s owned, why do you keep asking? Just go with it. Jack Hyde is mad at Christian for something he had no control over… that’s not my problem bro. NOT MY PROBLEM.
Stupid Stuff. So, we’ve never seen Ana drive a car, at least not seriously. We’ve seen her reference having a car but we never see her drive it… so when Christian lets her drive his sports car, she’s like friggin Jeff Gordon… HOW? She’s doing all these cool tricks and what not, HOW? DOES SHE EVEN DRIVE!? I mean… nope. Nope. NOPE. OH! And isn’t Ana like 22 or 23 or something? This “trilogy” has been at least a year in terms of time passed, so she’s young… Ana is an idiot. OH! And how exactly did she get her job at the publishing house? She was Jake Hyde’s secretary, okay cool, but then he gets fired and she gets promoted… why? What qualifies her? She literally just graduated college like last year right? So, how did she get the job of choosing manuscripts and what not? ALSO ALSO, Christian was mad at Ana for “sneaking out” to see her FRIEND… and he later punishes her in the Red Room. He tried to give reasons but they do not hold up sir, you cannot control her life and then try to withhold sexual stuff… that’s not the same thing. It’s not and you can’t make it make sense.
Bad Dialogue. As always, these movies are based on terribly written books so the dialogue is just ridiculous. The way Christian talks to people, just… who talks like that? I know you are based on a 17-year-old immortal vampire… but he at least sounds like he’s from a different time… what’s your excuse? These characters just say stupid stuff and then it’s supposed to be taken seriously.
Supporting Characters. Ugh so wasteful. This movie should just have Ana and Christian and no one else because who cares about everyone else. First of all, why is Ana still friends with Jose? Didn’t he attack her in the first movie, showing his “feelings” to her? Didn’t he take pictures of her, that she didn’t know about, blew them up and put them in his art show so people could look and buy? I mean… we wouldn’t be friends after that first movie. They keep letting him show up, he’s just there. Why? There is no reason. Then we have Kate, who is supposedly Ana’s best friend, we’ve seen her here and there but we would never know she and Ana are friends… for one, Christian barely lets her see anyone but him… which is ridiculous, then Kate just isn’t there. They try to force her back into the movie int his one and meh. Then there is Elliot and Mia who are Christian’s siblings, they are literally the Alice and Jasper characters of this movie but they are so bland and boring that anytime they show up, you go “Who?” and THEN Marcia Gay Harden shows up at the end… why is she even in this movie just for one scene? *sighs*
The acting. Outside of Dakota Johnson, everyone just ugh… Jamie Dornan has his moments but for the most part, he has no interest in this character. Eric Johnson who plays Jack Hyde is just hamming it up in this part. Then the lady who works at Ana’s job with the red hair, I don’t know how anyone would take her seriously, just terrible.
No Conflict. They keep trying to make conflict in these movies but the “Conflict” is so far and in between that there are just stretches of time where NOTHING is happening. Jake Hyde attacks Ana, but they fix that, and then it’s just… “fifty shades” for a long time. Then it’s the whole Ana going to hang out with Kate thing and Christian punishes her for that, which is had and solved literally in the same scene. Then more of the same, no conflict. Then it’s the baby thing where Christian goes off and sees Mrs. Robinson and NOW Ana is legit upset with him, and that leads into the last bit of conflict but the movie feels so long because nothing is happening. Nothing.
Overall, look this movie is bad just like the other two, but at least it’s better than Fifty Shades Darker which I think is the worst of the group. Still bad though. This movie wraps up the series but there is nothing to wrap up because this story is so dumb, so unsexy, so childish and cliché that outside of the author and her husband who wrote the screenplay, they all just got paid. The characters are dumb, Ana is not this strong, independent, smart woman she thinks she is. She tries to come off that way but then she turns around and just accepts Christian’s excuses, or “beautiful words” that she looks naive and idiotic. Christian wants to be this mysterious man but instead he’s just damaged and I’m sorry, why does Ana not know anything about him but she loves him and married him. Not to mention, she found out in the last movie, that he’s a sadist and he likes to punish women who look like her BECAUSE THEY LOOK LIKE HIS MOTHER who neglected him… that’s messed up. I could not. You need help homie not my hand in marriage. Plus, there are so many stupid choices in this movie, why can’t Ana see her friend? She has a bodyguard (Brant Daugherty is a beautiful man though), he should do his job and GUARD her. Check the house, make sure she’s safe… if you’re gonna force a guard on her Christian then let her live her life. Ana still just acts so shocked at things Christian says and does, but you love him, why is it a surprise anymore? Just live with it girl. Then y’all want me to care about these supporting characters that we don’t know? We have not spent time with ANY OF THEM! Oh Kate and Elliot might be having problems? Meh, whatever. Oh something happens to Mia towards the end, I don’t care, I barely know her. I mean really? There’s even some minor subplot with Ana’s parents but we never see her dad so definitely don’t care about that. Just… it’s all so dumb. There are positives, the music, the costumes, Dakota Johnson proves she’s good and it looks good but that’s all I can give it. We have finally been FREED and now we can just let these movies fall to the wayside and die. Good riddance.
Rating: 1.5 out of 5 stars.
Have you seen Fifty Shades Freed? What did you think about it? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. I would LOVE to hear from someone who likes these, seriously.
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Movie Review: Fifty Shades Darker (2017)


Summary:While Christian wrestles with his inner demons, Anastasia must confront the anger and envy of the women who came before her.
**So I hate these books. I think that’s common knowledge from most people who know me. I hate them because they’re badly written, the characters are stupid and it’s Twilight fan fiction. I mean, Twilight is not like the best thing ever but it’s actually better than this. I just, I can’t even. No one can make me like them, no one can make me understand that they’re secretly good. Just no because they’re not. The movies… oh man the movies… I think I enjoyed watching this one because I watched it with my friend and we were cracking jokes the entire time, only thing we were missing was wine. *sighs*
You can read my Fifty Shades of Grey movie review.
Anyway, here we go.
The Soundtrack. Just like I said in the first one, the music is always so good and it makes me upset because when a new song is dropped, I’m into it and then they announce it’s from the Fifty Shades soundtrack and I’m like UGH! But the music is good, catchy and it’s literally the best thing in the movie.
Looks Good. Man, this film looks really good. Such a clear and crisp picture. John Schwartzmann is a GOOD cinematographer and I recognized his name when I saw it in the opening credits. I was like… “Really John?”
The Acting. It’s not all around bad, there are some moments where the actors are doing a good job, or as good as they can with such a terrible script. Sometimes it’s fine.
The Characters. Once again, these are such stupid characters. I think Anastasia takes the cake at being an idiot. Look, Bella was insufferable at times, but Ana is just DUMB! She would put herself in situations and then get upset because she couldn’t control the situation. I don’t care about spoilers for this but SPOILER ALERT… but she left him in the first movie because he showed her the worst he could do, which mind you, was spanking… okay, and when he comes back into her life, she barely fights him on it. Like she does, but not really, not enough to really make him work for it. SHE DOESN’T REALLY MAKE HIM WORK FOR ANYTHING EVEN THOUGH SHE TRIES TO ACT LIKE SHE DOES! She even WANTS to go back to his Red Room, she asks constantly throughout the movie to go back but she gets so horrified at everything else in this lifestyle that I’m like… girl, either you’re with or you’re not. Stop trying to save him. She goes into his Red Room and finds something, she asks him like 50 million times what it is, and I’m like… aren’t you supposed to be smart? Why don’t you ever google anything? Or look up anything to help expand your knowledge of this thing your man is into. So dumb. I could go on and on.
They tried to make Christian better in this and Jamie Dornan still can’t make me believe that he’s interested at all in this character. He looks physically better in this one, and there are times where he looks really earnest when he’s talking to Ana, but a lot of that is just Jamie Dornan’s adorableness coming through. He even does a lot of stupid stuff. You’re flying a helicopter near a dormant volcano and your copilot, or whatever is uncomfortable with that, why keep going towards it? I’d be pissed and we’d no longer be friends.
The Acting. I praised Dakota Johnson in the first one because while her character was dumb, she is still a good actress. However, not in this one, I’m sure it’s the change of direction for this one, but her acting quality went down drastically. Maybe it’s also the fact that the story is even worse compared to the first one. But she talks in this annoying warble the entire time, I know Johnson kind of talks like that but she doesn’t stay stupid stuff so it’s more noticeable. Everything just feels so understated, anytime someone SHOULD be upset about something, they never raise their voices, they just keep the same monotone level of speaking. For example, when Ana goes to Jose’s exhibit and finds all of his photos are of her, I would have been upset because people are looking at my photos and my best friend did not get my permission, and she’s like “it’s a lot of my face” and he even SAYS “I didn’t ask because I knew you’d say NO!” and she’s like “yeah” and she looks uncomfortable but I just found that entire exchange so underplayed. Later, when Ana and Christian are in his office, I feel like it was after he bought her job or whatever, they have an argument but not really because neither one of them seemed upset. Ugh.
NO Chemistry. They don’t have chemistry. They don’t have chemistry. They don’t have chemistry. Anytime they were together, I would roll my eyes because it was so awkward and we watched the Unrated version, so I don’t know how different it is compared to the theatrical version, but so awkward.
Sexy Times. So weird and awkward. Also, why did Christian NEVER take off his clothes. Like, it was so strange, and considering how “outspoken” she was, I would think she would have said something, especially since she kept trying to control the situation. It also was not sexy. I’m trying to see what people who watch and like these see because I don’t see it.
The Story. So dumb. So, Ana has a job and she’s no longer seeing Christian because he showed her just how bad it can get with a spanking and she left. Right. Okay, so he comes back, she lets him back easily, he gives her like a new iPhone and MacBook… okay. Then she starts seeing this girl, who keeps showing up watching her and we learn that that girl Leila was Christian’s previous submissive and she’s obsessed with him and angry at Ana because Christian actually “loves” Ana. So there’s that plot thread. Then, you have the whole thing with Ana’s boss, who has a thing for her, but she can’t tell of course because she’s so innocent, but I mean it’s not like her boss was subtle about it, but you have that whole thing and that plot will continue in the third one. THEN you have this whole thing with Christian trying to be better and letting Ana closer and whatever and I don’t care. There is so much going on this movie, that the major plot points happen but the in between parts are SO SLOW that the movie just DRAGS on and it’s so annoying.
TOO LONG. MY LORD! This movie was overstaying its welcome. There were so many times where I thought it was going off but it just kept going and going. The unrated is 131 minutes and the theatrical is 118 minutes. I don’t mind long movies, I can watch marathons and be fine, but this… it’s so bad that it just kept going and they kept trying to add in tension and it was done so terribly that I started to get bored, I wasn’t even having fun anymore.
The Dialogue. I know a lot of it is from the book but that doesn’t help its case, still sounds like bad fan fiction and there were so many times where the actors literally could not even make these words sound good. I would display some of it below like I did with the other movie, but I barely remember any of it specifically to do so and there aren’t enough quotes on the IMDB so. But it’s so bad.
Overall, this movie is horrible. It definitely would have been on my Worst of the year list if I saw it before I posted my life. It would have been number 1 because it was the worst thing. The soundtrack is good, as always, and film looks really good and sometimes the acting is passable. However, the acting is also pretty terrible, the quality went down from the first film. The characters are still dumb, they try to come off as these smart people who make adult decisions but they are not, it just comes off silly and unbelievable. There is no chemistry between Johnson and Dornan that any time they have a romantic moment, it just feels awkward, and it makes the sexy times even more awkward. This movie is way too long, it overstays its welcome by like 30 minutes and maybe that’s because I watched the Unrated version but ugh. The story is dumb and has like 50 plot points, but they’re all so shallow that the moments between those plot points are just filler and the dialogue is so bad that I cannot imagine anyone taking it seriously.
Rating: 1 out 5 stars.
Have you seen this movie? Do you like it? Please tell me why, I would love to hear comments from someone who does. I don’t want to argue, I’m just curious.
Please let me know in the comments below your thoughts!
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Movie Review: Fifty Shades of Grey (2015)


*sighs* I decided to watch it when it came across while I was shelving at the library. First of all, let me say I closed the book when I first tried to read it to see what the fuss was about and I just can’t. I think I got between 5-10 chapters in. I don’t remember exactly but it was back in 2012. I saw the book while I was abroad in London and I do remember exclaiming really loudly in the bookshop where I picked it up to read. So I’m reviewing this strictly as a film, nothing to do with it being an adaptation. I’ll probably mention the book but it’s not a comparison. Maybe one I’ll day when I’m feeling low, I’ll decide to continue reading but that will be a long time coming.
The music. I hate to say that I love the soundtrack in this movie. I love Ellie Golding’s song “Love Me Like You Do” and The Weeknd’s “Earned It”. The sensual tones of certain songs, the random bits of jazz thrown in there. The music is good.
The Cinematography. It looks very good. The camera work is actually beautiful, the color tones of the movie, the clarity. It’s a very pretty looking film.
Dakota Johnson. She is the only one I think does a good job, or at least tries to with what she has. I saw How to Be Single and she’s cute in that, so this is the second movie I’ve seen her in and she’s fine. She looks just like her daddy but I think her acting is fine. She is the source of some of the humor in the movie, which I think has to do with Johnson’s comedic timing and charisma. Even though I don’t like the Ana character, I found myself wanting to because Johnson is really good here.
The Business Meeting Scene. I think this is the only scene I actually liked and enjoyed because they went through the contract of the whole Dom/Sub thing and her reactions to certain things made me chuckle. My only problem with this scene is she asks him “what’s a ball gag?” you’re supposed to do your research before you go into a business meeting. You were an English Lit major, you know how to do some forms of research so use that shiny new Mac and google it!
Cast/Characters. I don’t think I can even really put anyone here because there isn’t anyone else really in the movie. Other people feature and cameo but they’re not important. Outside of the main two, everyone else in the movie is unimportant.
  • Jamie Dornan/Christian Grey. I actually liked Dornan in Once Upon a Time and because of these movies, his character will never come back to life *sighs*. Dornan comes across constipated instead of sexy. He’s supposed to be “intimidating”… but I didn’t get any of that. He’s mysterious? No… constipated. He’s angry with her… Are you sure he doesn’t have to burp? Whenever they’re in the Red Room, he looks uninterested in what he’s doing, so meh.
    • Now, about the actual character. He’s obviously rich but how? What did he do? What does he do? I can’t remember them talking about what his job is. I mean, I know it’s something in telecommunications because of the book but I don’t remember them referencing it and if they did… wow, in one ear and out the other. He’s 27 so how did he get to that point? Because they don’t talk about anything other than that friggin contract, we don’t know! This character is so extreme and ridiculous that I can understand why Diet Bella doesn’t take him seriously in the beginning when it came to his fetish. I probably legit wouldn’t either. He’s not mysterious, he’s not someone I would feel I need to know more about. There’s nothing interesting about him. Christian has a lot of issues, I wonder if he’s ever tried therapy because he doesn’t seem to understand why someone might not be interested in being a submissive or why she seems uncomfortable. He’s just blah.
  • Anastasia Steele. This character is basically Bella Swan and you can’t tell me otherwise. You can try and I’ll be willing to listen but the parallels are there. Anyway, she’s so bland. I give her props for holding out on that contract thing and trying to be a little strong in certain areas but overall, she’s not an interesting character. Why would all of these guys be interested in her? She’s supposed to be plain right? Naive right? Is that why everyone likes her? She even seems so surprised when Christian asks her if Jose or Paul (guy from her job which we never see her go back to by the way) are her boyfriends, or if she likes them. I mean come on, that oblivious? It seems like she’s attempting to be into this stuff because he likes it… which I would understand if they had more outings, if they talked more before they had sex, before all of this because she has an actual reason to like him instead of him making her feel good. She tells him later that she’s fallen in love with him and I’m just like with what? What has he does to warrant that?
Leading up to the… stuff. They didn’t even know each other. They  don’t know anything about each other, other than what he answered in the interview questions, which he doesn’t even answer. Even when he actually answers them it’s an email. He doesn’t even explain anything until much later in the movie, after he’s already tried to get her to sign this stupid contract. At least in Twilight, Bella and Edward had conversations before they actually started dating. Why would he think Jane Austen is the reason why she loves literature? Because every young girl has read Austen and loves Mr. Darcy and now just wants to read forever? He freaks out when he thinks it’s becoming too “romantic” or “emotional” and tells her “I’m not the man for you” and pushes her away but then turns right around and starts doing all of this stuff for her. Dude, make a decision.
The Relationship/the BDSM. Not even a relationship. He buys her first editions of literature, a macbook, a car, I mean she still has that ridiculous flip phone so why not get an iPhone as well? He takes her on a helicopter ride, a plane ride and she kind of meets his family. I mean, that’s the romance. Every time they attempt a conversation, he pulls away and after a while that’s not mysterious, that’s annoying, redundant and tedious. I’m not an expert on BDSM but I have done some research out of curiosity and because of these books, but it’s so hard to tell if she’s truly uncomfortable with it or not. She doesn’t sign the contract, they often talk about it but she never signs it, even after the business meeting. While in the moment, she seems to enjoy it, a bit before she’s nervous, which is obvious but then… she doesn’t understand why he wants to do these things. So it’s really hard to know if she wants this to please him even if she doesn’t actually want to or if she really wants this. It’s so unclear and it can be argued that the ending clears that up but I don’t think it does.
The dialogue. Oh my goodness. It’s horrible and cringe worthy. Are all of these pulled directly from the book? I know some of them are… but yeesh. These are so fan fiction-y, which is no surprise considering the origins of the book. At least there’s no voice over from Anastasia where she talks about her “inner goddess”
“Holy cow”
“I am 50 Shades of F**ked up” I lol’ed so hard.
“I don’t make love. I f**k hard.” lol
The whole hardware store scene.
The whole scene before their first sexual encounter. “You’re a virgin!?” *bewilderment*
“You’re biting your lip. You know what that does to me.”
“Welcome to my world” lol that line made me think right of Twilight when Edward took Bella on that ride and he called her “spider monkey” in the movies. *laughs*
The ending. So the last 30 minutes or so, they have an emotional conversation, I guess, he says that line “I’m 50 shades of f**ked up” and then she tells him she wants him to do his worst so she can see what it is he wants. So, he makes her bend over and he spanks her with a belt. In this scene, she’s crying, she’s already emotional because he refuses to be honest with her, or at least refuses to explain things to her (which makes me question again why she loves him). When he’s finished, she pulls away, hurt and angry and it confuses me. The times before in the Red Room, she seems to enjoy it, there’s no inner dialogue to help us distinguish her thoughts, all we have is her outward appearance so it’s really hard to gauge what she wants. Is it because it’s not in love now? Is it because it’s not passionate now because he won’t tell her why he likes to do these things? Also, why didn’t she just go home? Instead, she goes to the room he has for her in the house. Why not call Kate and go home? Kate already warned her to take things at her own pace, so now that it’s too much… go home. It’s probably because they wanted to have that last elevator scene with the doors closing.
So, that’s all I have to say. There are a few positive things, the music is great, the film looks beautiful, Dakota Johnson is fine in the movie as she attempts to breathe some life and humor into this uninteresting character (most of the humor comes from her), and I did enjoy the business meeting scene later in the film, but that’s all I can pull. This movie is not good, the characters are bland, the story at it’s core is nothing original (it’s still Twilight), the dialogue is cringeworthy and while there is chemistry between the two leads, it’s not a lot but it’s there, Dornan seems so uninterested in everything he does. The whole idea of romance is covered up with BDSM (which I’m not sure is even how BDSM is supposed to be), ridiculous dialogue and breathy looks. I guess I can see why it would be a guilty pleasure but it’s not something I would even make a move to watch again unless I’m watching it with friends and we’re having a laugh.
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars.
What did you think of Fifty Shades of Grey? Did you enjoy it? Disappointed? Not interested? Please respond in the comments below. I would love to hear your thoughts.